Climbing, Mountaineering, Backpacking, & Camping with Parenthood, YouTube, Cancer, & Mental Health
When I tore my ACL - which I’ve done three times, all on my right knee - the hardest part of the process wasn’t actually the pain of the injury (it hurt a lot the first time, not so much the next two times); it wasn’t the pain and work of rehabilitation. The hardest part was the time between the injury and the surgery. That period of waiting was hard because I was just getting worse. Every day was a day of more muscle atrophy and weakening balance and deteriorating cardio. It was the mental aspect of waiting for the surgery, which would kick off the time I would start getting better, that was difficult. I was willing to put in the work. Heck, I wanted to put in the work. But I couldn’t put in the work “until it was time.”
That’s what’s difficult about my particular form of cancer, a type known as Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia, or CLL. It is very slow moving. So, that’s good for my body. I’m not racing towards death unless I do something. But, on the other hand, I am steadily marching that direction, and there is no benefit to early treatment. They’ve done studies that attempt to intervene as soon as possible, even before any symptoms show up, and it doesn’t really help when compared to starting treatment “when its time” to do so.
When is it time to do so?
Well, I either need my other blood markers to turn bad (for example, become anemic or have my immunoglobulin levels tank, or the like) or I need to develop symptoms. Currently, I don’t have any other than my body’s inability to make good use of vaccines.
The reason you wait is because the actual treatment a) only beats back the bad cells for them to slowly reaccumulate, and b) has some bad effects on how your overall immune system functions. So, no point in making your immune system worse any sooner than you have to because, basically, once you start treatment you never really stop.
What I’m doing, then, is waiting to get bad enough to need treatment: waiting until I can get better. I guess in this case, “better” is a loose term. The cancer will likely get better. The immune system likely will not. I’m not in such a hurry this time, because of that reality, so I don’t have the same anxious anticipation as I had headed for knee surgeries. This feels more inevitable. And while I am thankful that treatments won’t make me physically sick the way they did in the past, and I’m also thankful that I’m currently in good shape if not in good health, it is still such that, “the waiting is the hardest part.”